


Support

by FreckledSkittles



Series: Barisi Is Married and Happy Because I Said So [11]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, M/M, Married Barisi, Married Couple, Men Crying, don't worry its not related to their relationship, hell yeah, husbands supporting husbands, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:35:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24828436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FreckledSkittles/pseuds/FreckledSkittles
Summary: “Can you explain how I was the one who deserved this job and yet I didn’t get it?”
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Barisi Is Married and Happy Because I Said So [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1405030
Comments: 17
Kudos: 58





	Support

**Author's Note:**

> As someone with social anxiety, sometimes it gets the better of me but once I climb over it and deal with what's making me anxious, I like to write something to get the rest of it out of my system. It's a sort of coping mechanism and it helps me address what I'm feeling and move past it  
> Sooooo I wrote this piece to get through it and I feel good so. Take your medicine, drink water, take care of yourself
> 
> The "canon divergence" part of this fic is for Sonny and Rafael's relationship: they got together after s17, they got married roughly two years after (around the time of what would be this canon's s20), and s21 is when they start working together as ADAs. This takes place a year and a half getting married in a sort-of future from when this is being posted but as long as it's set after the s21 premiere, it really doesn't matter because in this canon they are happily married and in love as they deserved and that's that on that
> 
> Thanks, as always, to soul_writerr for her support in both my anxieties and in writing this, there truly is no better cheerleader than her <3

There are many benefits to working with his husband. Sonny loves the chance to see him at work, and now that he’s become an ADA for the Sex Crimes Bureau, they can get away with a bit more. They’ve enjoyed working lunches and parting kisses between Hogan Place and the courthouse. It’s more difficult to see the other actually doing their work, and Rafael has told him about the minor quell of sadness he feels when he doesn’t spot Sonny in the gallery. But they make up for it with the extra hours they can spend together.

It’s also beneficial, Sonny realizes as he steps off the elevator, when the District Attorney announces the latest Bureau Chief for Sex Crimes and it’s not Rafael. It was a position that Rafael had prepped and interviewed for with minimal schmoozing for a relationship that was already in good standing. It was a promotion Rafael has talked about for weeks, months even, and has wished to succeed further as a prosecutor. It was a job anyone who had worked with him had nothing but complete faith that he would get it.

And it went to someone else. An outsider from Detroit who had done well in the city and was looking to move back to New York. Another ADA looking to move up the ranks who had a success rate a few points below Rafael’s but with more years under his belt. Another person to snub Rafael of a real opportunity to move up in his career.

Carmen spots Sonny, offering a grim smile, and she hurriedly stands up to greet him with a furrowed brow. “His door has been shut since the email was sent,” she says in a soft voice. Sonny’s frown deepens at that information, his gut clenching. “He told me to hold all his calls until he said so.”

“So just what we expected,” he sighs. He resists the urge to run a hand through his hair when Carmen nods. “I don’t know what to say. I thought he had it.”

“Same here. I think everyone did.”

“Rita had to cancel a bouquet of flowers.”

Carmen sighs and pats Sonny’s shoulder. “Send my love to him, will you? He needs it.”

Sonny can only nod and turns to face the door to Rafael’s office. It looks as daunting as it did when he was still a junior detective, barely at SVU, wanting to impress the notable prosecutor as much as he could before he was booted to the Bronx. He can tell Rafael is in the office mourning the missed opportunity—and rightfully so. Sonny’s heart had sunk to the floor when he got out of arraignment and saw the email announcement.

Any other day, he would be rushing into that office door and swooping Rafael into his arms, kissing as much of his face as he could and swaying to an unheard tune. Instead, Sonny quietly turns the knob and steps in, closing the door as softly as he can. Rafael is facing the window beside his desk, arms crossed and back relaxed, jacket and vest discarded on the couch to Sonny’s left. He isn’t trying to be sneaky, but he knows Rafael is not expecting him for another few hours.

“Carmen,” Rafael says, still facing away, voice worn and wavering, “I need a few more minutes, please.”

“She knows,” Sonny answers. Rafael’s shoulders tense at his voice, but he keeps looking forward. Sonny takes the smallest step forward; he isn’t going to make Rafael face him until he feels ready, but he is going to non-verbally offer the option if he needs it. Being married allows them the privilege of knowing what the other needs and when.

“Of course. You saw the email.”

Sonny simply hums his response and nothing more. Rafael’s head turns just slightly, enough for Sonny to catch his side profile and wet eyes, but faces forward again just as quickly.

They have had bad days like this, when the other is overwhelmed by anxiety and possibilities that may not occur that they shut down, in a sense. Sonny is jittery and awaits for someone to respond to it and distract him from himself. Rafael lets it consume him whole and occupy his mind in an attempt to control it before he requests help. They each have specific ways to watch over the other and step in with assistance when they are unable to do it themselves. For Rafael, Sonny knows to wait before approaching within arm’s length or speaking. Trying to fix it for Rafael, before he’s tried to move past it himself, will get them nowhere. He knows that from experience.

Rafael sniffles, his voice deadpan and still. “I don’t understand. I’ve tried to talk myself through it for an hour and I can’t get past why.” Hearing him talk so monotone, so dull and absent, is upsetting. Rafael is a presence, all brightly-colored ties and matching pocket squares, a confident stride to part crowds without a glance their way, a voice that pierces the air around him, sharpened to a point. “What I could have done, what I didn’t do, what I couldn’t help.” He steps forward, peering out the window, hands pressed against the table in front of him. His hands are trembling, unnoticeable to anyone else but an immediate sign of nerves to Sonny.

Sonny takes a step to the side, making sure to stay behind Rafael and move as silently as he could. The coffee table in front of the couch has a half-finished muffin and a large coffee on it, hopefully still hot and thankfully unspilled. The same cannot be said for the other half of the muffin, crumpled into chocolate pieces that barely classify as crumbs. He thinks about cleaning it up and squats down to do so when Rafael speaks up.

“Be honest with me, Dominick.” He hardly ever uses Sonny’s birth name, only when his emotions are jumbled and his ability to fight with words has been compromised. He took what he could to try and form a reasonable statement. “Did I ever stand a chance?”

“Of course,” Sonny says without hesitation. “Married or not, you’re the most deserving of any ADA in the whole damn state.”

“But did I have a chance? I didn’t ask if I deserved it.” He faces Sonny a bit more now, still only his profile but more than just the back of his head. The one green eye he can see is still swimming with tears, but it at least contains the same piercing gaze he expects from ADA Barba. “Was this for nothing, or did I stand a chance?”

Sonny uses a napkin from the coffee table to scoop the remaining crumbles of muffin into his palm and into the trash beside him. He knows Rafael wants a fight to avoid the reality of the situation and ignore the disappointment he is surely pointing at himself, but Sonny knows anything either of them says or does will undo the email announcing the new Bureau Chief. “There was always a chance for you. But I also think because of that chance, you were the most deserving.”

Rafael scoffs and turns fully away, arms crossed and hands tightening within the crooks of his elbows. “Your logic is fucked. Having the chance for something and deserving it are two different things. Right now, you deserve a good foot up your ass, and there’s a chance you’ll get it. Right now,” he points a finger at his desk, “the Watson case sitting on my desk deserves to burn in Hell, and the defendant deserves nothing short of the same treatment, but the chances of it happening are low.”

Sonny rolls his eyes at the first analogy but sighs at the second. “Rafael. You deserved this. Regardless of how likely or unlikely it was, the only person who should have been promoted to Bureau Chief was you.”

“But I wasn’t,” Rafael whispers. “Can you explain how I was the one who deserved this job and yet I didn’t get it?” He faces Sonny, the angry facade cracking from the rising waves of heartbreak he’s been keeping down and his voice agitated. “I want you to tell me why, Sonny. Tell me why I wasn’t chosen.” Sonny is already rising to his feet and prepared to wrap Rafael in his arms if he reaches out. His husband practically snarls at him; “I wasn’t chosen!” When Sonny doesn’t respond or acknowledge what he said, Rafael squares his shoulders and, in one single breath, releases the tension from his body and the anger welling up inside his chest. “I wasn’t.” Rafael shuts his eyes tightly and makes a step forward. It’s enough of a confirmation for Sonny to swoop in and envelop him in an embrace.

Rafael buries his face as far into Sonny’s collar as he can, wrapping his arms around his waist under his jacket. The shudders from the fallen tears are more upsetting than the sounds, sniveling sobs that are muffled into his chest. Sonny squeezes and ducks his head to kiss his temple. He keeps his lips there and simply takes in the moment, biting his lip to suddenly hold back his own tears when the grip around his waist tightens and the sobs wrack through him. Rafael has always worked hard, whether it be institutions designed to discriminate against him or the community around him, and there is hardly a time where he failed. He got accepted into Harvard, he graduated from its law school, he became a prosecutor in Manhattan and had the highest success rate in the entire bureau. Rafael deserved to be Bureau Chief. He deserved that promotion. He’s spent almost as much time in Manhattan as he did in Kings County, and what is there to show for it? If he can’t prove his hard work was worth it, from his perspective, everything will have been a waste of time. And the thought shatters Sonny’s heart.

Never has he known a man greater than Rafael. Never has he seen a man with so much passion accomplishing each goal he sets for himself. Never has he doubted his abilities, even if the odds were stacked high against them. Sonny never believed it—somehow, Rafael would do it. And when it didn’t happen, and Rafael questioned what he was even doing, Sonny was right there to offer his condolences as a coworker. Then, with their temporary mentor-student relationship and the consequent years of dating, a shoulder to cry on. And now, as a husband utterly in love with and devoted to this man, as a pillar of support to lean on and push off of when he’s ready.

Rafael groans and curls his hands into Sonny’s shirt. “My entire career has been with this damn city. Twenty years, Sonny.” His voice cracks at the end, a broken tone that drowns in despair; “And what do I have? The same position I’ve had since I left Boston. The only difference is the borough.”

Sonny knows that’s not true, but there’s no benefit to pointing out what’s right or wrong. Not when Rafael is prioritizing other things. “But you stayed this whole time. Olivia told me once that SVU always finds a way to chew up prosecutors and throw them out in the same breath. You’ve been fighting a long time, Raf. You’ve been a voice for so many people. I don’t think you realize how much good you’ve done.”

Rafael tightens his grasp and burrows further. Sonny holds onto him harder than before, his breath shaky as he lets it out past trembling lips. Anyone who misses out on the spectacle and the sight that is Rafael Barba is simply at a loss.

“Fuck them for not seeing how much good you can do as Bureau Chief,” he continues, kissing his forehead again and gently holding the back of his head. Rafael simply hums at the hand in his hair. “It’s entirely their loss. And if someone else comes around and scoops you up, they’re gonna regret not promoting you.”

Rafael scoffs at that, still fragile but familiar enough for some hope to fill him up. “Right, immediately after we start working together, I leave for another job. How’s that look on our relationship?” He rests his head against Sonny’s chest, ear flat against the spot above his heart. Sonny reaches over to wipe away a stray tear. “I’ve already asked myself if our relationship was part of it. And I hate that I did, because you don’t deserve that.”

Sonny had thought the same, although they had been approved to work together. Since they were both ADAs, there wasn’t much of a chance for a conflict of interest on a particular case. But if Rafael was the Bureau Chief, that was a different story and an entirely different situation. They would never use their personal relationship to further their own careers, and they wouldn’t start now, but some people might not see that. Sonny only hopes they hadn’t taken it into account in this instance.

“It’s…possible,” Sonny finally says, “but I don’t think it matters to them. Cutter knows us.”

“How well?”

“I mean, he gave a toast at our reception. How many people can say the District Attorney for New York City gave a toast at their wedding?”

Rafael steps out of the embrace as if he had been burned, hands clenched into fists as he paces the room. “And if you’re right, then the next possible answer is that they didn’t choose me because I’m gay. And if it’s not that, then it’s because I’m Cuban. And if it’s not that, then—”

Sonny steps forward again and takes Rafael gently by the shoulders. The motion cuts the tirade off short but the contact keeps the now blazing flames of anger lit. “They didn’t promote you because they’re idiots, Rafael. Mike Cutter included. If they knew what they were doing, they would have made you Bureau Chief. Those bureaucrats think you’re too polarizing, or mouthy, and they think because you aren’t afraid to speak your mind, you wouldn’t be in a good position to lead, to which I say: fuck off. You got where you are today because you didn’t give a shit if you stepped on someone’s toes with what you said. And if they’re gonna pass you up because of that, then so be it.”

Rafael opens his mouth but nothing comes out. The fury dies down again to painful recognition, and Sonny scoops him up in his arms again. There is only one person who can—and who is allowed to—make Rafael speechless. The words weren’t necessarily new to them, especially not Rafael, but they were reminiscent of his own reflection. If he ever, he declared to Sonny, had the chance to have a position beyond a prosecutor and wasn’t promoted to said position, he would hope the reason is because he refused to play nice with others or to rein in his brutal honesty.

His mouth was his oldest companion and had gotten him into more trouble than he could count, whether it was with neighborhood bullies who tried to taunt him or the judges who didn’t tolerate his antics in their courtrooms. Sonny had once said, sometime during the first year of their marriage, that it was that mouth that got them dating in the first place. He loved watching Rafael silence a backhanded comment from a white politician who thought his words were progressive and tell off their own family members that yes, they were happy with being uncles for the time being, and yes, they had discussed their options and were happy with the current status of their relationship. If there was anything that stopped Rafael, it was going to be the aspect about himself that he was most proud of.

Rafael doesn’t return the embrace right away, but once he does, he holds Sonny as close to him as he can. Sonny nuzzles into his hair as Rafael squeezes his waist again. He loves Rafael so much; he wishes he could take away this pain and bear it for him. But he knows it’s better for both of them if they grieve and rage on their own. So Sonny lets him weep a bit longer, holding back his own tears but eventually failing and letting a few slide down his cheeks. He had envisioned the new office, the new location for both Rafael and Carmen—because there’s no way he’ll find an assistant who could handle or deal with him like she could—he saw the nameplate on the wide desk and on the door with stained glass and black stenciled letters. They were only ever dreams, and they’ll stay that way.

“You deserved this,” Sonny whispers to him. “You deserve so much, Rafael.”

Rafael simpers softly at that. “Are you going to make me cry for the third time today?”

“Hey, I didn’t plan it.”

“That makes two of us.” He leans back to stare up at him with the slightest hint of playfulness in his eyes, wet and puffy as they are and shining with a familiar sense of Rafael. Sonny wants to yell in triumph at the sight. “I thought you were here to comfort me.”

Sonny gives a weak chuckle and leans down to kiss him. Rafael reels him back in when he backs away, a silent thanks to match the verbal one Rafael will give later. Neither of them is leaving the office until they’re more composed (and the wet splotches on Sonny’s dress shirt are well-hidden) but when they do, there will be no force strong enough to hold back Rafael Barba.

When they had gotten married, they had discussed what to do about their names at work. In any other setting outside of office hours, they were Mr. and Mr. Barba-Carisi. But within their work, they were still ADA Barba and ADA Carisi: similar professions but different identities who just so happened to be married to each. They were more than a union that made up a single identity. They were two people coming together for that union, and they were not going to give up those identities just because they were married. Sonny can see just how much it means to them that they make that separation. At work, Rafael Barba can carry on and plow through cases and trials without a hiccup. After work, Rafael Barba-Carisi can release all the emotions of his day and share with his husband the relief he feels that they can finally spend time together.

A few weeks later, Sonny finds a pamphlet from Columbia University’s law school. Rafael only shrugs when he asks about it and says it’s an option he’s considering. A few weeks after that, soaking in as much of the car’s air conditioner before they step out into the heat, Rafael mentions the university’s offer to teach new criminal law courses they want to add to the curriculum. And it’s a few months after that, hiding under a cafe awning from a downpour of rain after a weekend date night, when Rafael tells him about the new job he’ll have next year. Sure enough, the missed opportunity by the DA’s office to have him as Bureau Chief of Sex Crimes is Columbia Law School’s win for a talented, experienced, spectacular lawyer teaching for them.

Sonny just swoops him into his arms and kisses him breathless. There was never a doubt in his mind that Rafael wouldn’t land on his feet after the loss of the Bureau Chief Position. Wherever he goes, Sonny will always be beside him as his number one supporter.


End file.
